My best friend, julielikestumblr, and her Erika have been making vague plans to move to Seattle within the next few years. And I will most likely be going along. I’ve been telling people that I’m probably moving there. And they ask why. And I say because of Julie, mostly. That sounds silly. I also really want the change of environment, the feeling of starting over. I love Chicago, but I feel like I’m settling out of comfort. In recent days, I don’t have a desire to hang out with anyone here. I love my friends here. But I’m craving the company of everyone far away. And Seattle also has a handful of people I love already there. That’s a major plus.
I’ll be visiting Seattle for a few days in September, after stops in Honolulu and San Francisco. I have been working a lot on various projects for various people in addition to the one that pays the bills the most. And I’m burning out. At least this time I’ll actually earn my vacation days.
I’m not always in a state of self reflection, but it sure appears quite often. I need to be better, whatever that means.
“You gotta keep the step. You gotta limber up. You gotta loosen what you bolted down. You gotta use all you got. We know you’re tired, tired and scared. Happens to everyone, okay? Just don’t let your feet stop.”—Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance (via thatkindofwoman)
Day 2 of the fest. I’m so over it. The rain made everything suck a million times more. Our tent is a disaster at this point. I just wanna call it for the summer. I’m done. It’s been fun. But let’s just not. Thankful for my friends who have made it out to help. But this is just draining me so hard.
Every year, I say it’s my year. The plus side to that is I believe it more every time. And we’re about six months into this year now. I’m doing all right. I had a big collab. I have a lot of work & opportunities. And I’ve just been busting ass recently more than ever. In my spare time that I just can’t focus or need some hangs, I enjoy those things immensely. I’m building up to burning out, so my down time tastes that much sweeter. I have plans to go home in September & hopefully spend a little time in Seattle. And by then, most of the year is gone. My birthday will come around & I’ll wonder yet again what I’ve been doing with my life. It’s not that it’s unfulfilled, because I really feel like I’m doing everything I should be for right now. But something is still missing. Something is always missing.
“The sun is perfect and you woke this morning. You have enough language in your mouth to be understood. You have a name, and someone wants to call it. Five fingers on your hand and someone wants to hold it. If we just start there, every beautiful thing that has and will ever exist is possible. If we start there, everything, for a moment, is right in the world.”—Warsan Shire (via thatkindofwoman)
For 8 years, I’ve been in the service industry. I’ve encountered all kinds of people. But in the past few days, including tonight, I’ve run into a lot of fucking weird behavior. It feels like everyone’s sanity has been slipping and some kinda alien life form is replacing Chicagoans. I no doubt believe the full moon and the changing tides have something to do with it. I mean, just really fucking weird. Yesterday, after telling a lady her total, she hands me an envelope with her money in it. She looked super normal and didn’t think anything of it. Not a drug deal, folks. Just food. While waiting for the bus, some guy shakes the door to a pitch black Starbucks, surprised as shit that it was closed only after the fact. People have been speaking half sentences. It’s just so weird. Maybe I’m overreacting, but if you’ve interacted with all these people at once, you’d see what I’m saying. I usually walk home, too. But I really don’t want to run into more crazies tonight. The end. Be safe out there.
In the third grade, I learned that if someone isn’t going to fight to be my friend, I shouldn’t fight to be theirs. In high school, I learned that you don’t have to be friends with everyone & it’s okay to let some people go.
But, it probably took me way too long to learn that we don’t all want the same things. Some things, I always assumed were universal, things in life that everyone wanted. But when you pay attention to everyone’s backstory, you understand that some people will settle for their other half who just happened to be there. Some people want to build a life with someone because it’s the next step, and only because it’s the next step. Some people are okay with working a crappy job as long as they make enough to get by. Some people don’t have passions and aren’t even mildly interested in seeking any. Some people don’t dream big anymore. And it’s okay.
It took me so long to get that it’s okay. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want anything less out of life. And it used to upset the shit out of me. I would shake my hands in frustration wondering why someone would just give up. And in taking my step back, I realized that maybe those ideals have changed when reality set in. When you believe that your good is good enough, that’s your truth. And maybe one day, I might give up a little. I don’t want to & don’t have any intentions to, but one day, I might settle on good not great.
But for now, until I’m broken at least a hundred more times, I don’t just want that blue French horn, I want the entire orchestra.
“She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew.”—Shel Silverstein, Every Thing On It (via quoted-books)